


The Sun Doesn't Have a Dark Half

by SilverDragon00



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, depressed, everyone lives though its ok, he really didn't mean to it was an accident, its sad, poor Hinata has a lot of problems, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 11:26:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5664412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverDragon00/pseuds/SilverDragon00
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata has always been depressed. It's just the way the chemicals in his brain are, so he tries to do everything he can to stay happy. But some days, he falls apart. This time, things go a little too far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun Doesn't Have a Dark Half

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out to be a lot longer than I expected...

Hinata loved being happy. He loved cheering on his team, and hitting spikes and making people laugh. He loved the elated feeling he got when he scores an important point and Kageyama almost smiles and Nishinoya cheers from the back and Tanaka runs up to him for a high five. Hinata loved making faces at his little sister and seeing her squeal with laughter. 

Being happy was wonderful.

But he can’t be happy all the time.

One of the downsides of being a ray of sunshine, as Suga like to call him, was that he got tired. It was tiring trying to stay happy all the time and sometimes he just had to let himself go. It would happen randomly, he would feel the build up in his chest and know he was going to lose it soon.

Hinata would wait for his parents to leave with his sister on Friday, like they do every other weekend to stay in the next town over to visit his dad’s sister. Hinata usually stayed home when they went out, so it wasn’t odd. He would cheerfully tell them goodbye, make a face at his sister and wave as they left. Then he would quietly walked up to the bathroom, lock the door and cry.

Thats where Hinata was now.

Truth is, he was depressed. Always had been. But he learned to deal with it. Maybe not in the most healthy way, but it worked. He’d stay happy for as long as he could bear, ignoring remarks from people that made his heart hurt, bottling up all his feelings and then he’d let it all out at once and the next day he’d be fine.

He’s been doing it for years.

Oh, and then there was the scars on his wrists.

Hinata was surprised that so few people noticed them. They were small, pale lines that crisscrossed the inside of both his arms from wrist to elbow. He supposed they were hard to see unless you were looking for them. The marks were almost as pale as his skin, anyways.

A few years ago, his little sister had seen them when they were fresh angry red marks. Hinata had forgotten about them and was wearing a tee shirt when Natsu had come into his room.

“Nii-chan, what are those?” She asked, grabbing his hand and pulling his arm out from under his blankets.

Initially, Hinata panicked. She would tell their parents and he would be in so much trouble. But then, he calmed down as he realized she really didn’t know what the marks were. He sat up in bed and said quietly, “They are from all the times that I’ve been sad.”

“Why are you sad?” She asked innocently.

Hinata shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. I just am sometimes. But listen, you can’t tell mom and dad, okay?”

“Why not, Nii-chan?”

“Because they will get mad at me, okay? It’s really important.”

Natsu seemed to realize the great importance of the knowledge bestowed upon her and nodded wide-eyed.

Hinata remembered to be more careful about hiding his cuts after that. 

When he joined the Karasuno volleyball team, he made most of his cuts on his thighs where they wouldn’t be seen, but it wasn’t the same as his wrists. He would only cut his wrists when he knew he would be able to get away with wearing long sleeves for a few days, so it didn’t happen as often anymore.

Except for today.

Today, broken sobs wracked Hinata’s small frame as he curled up with his back against the tub. He took his razor from the drawer under the sink and dug his nails into the edge of the plastic and popped out one of the blades. He dropped the plastic onto the tiled floor and clutched the metal blade in his first, big tears pouring out of his shut eyes. He shuddered out another sob and hiccuped, clutching his hair in his other hand.

“This isn’t fair,” He choked through his crying. He didn’t understand why he got like this. He hated it! Hinata angrily rubbed the tears off of his cheeks and tried not to shake too much, drawing the small blade across his wrist with a wince. The blood welled up in little beads like red pearls that then slowly rolled down his pale skin and dripped onto the floor.

He did it again and again and again. He kept going out of anger and frustration and sadness, wondering why was he like this? Why him? It wasn’t fair!

His wrist was a married bloodied mess and his tears were clouding his vision. He felt like a ship, amidst a raging storm out at sea, and the storm unstoppable and all the ship could do was try to stay in one piece.

Hinata wanted it to be over! He wanted to stop hurting like this! His heart clenched as he switched hands with his razor and held it above his other wrist with a shaking hand and he pressed down just as another sob wracked his fame. His hand shot up, creating a long vertical gash up the length of his arm which started bleeding a lot more and a lot quicker than his other cuts.

“Oh no,” Hinata immediately realized his mistake, his eyes going wide. “No, no, no, I didn’t mean to-” he scrambled for a towel and quickly wrapped it around his arm as tight as he could and pressed on it. Tears still streamed down his face. God he was such a screw up. 

The blood started soaking through the towel and Hinata’s head started to pound. He knew he needed help, but there was no one in the house. His phone. It was downstairs, he could call someone for help.

His vision was warbled and started darkening at the edges as he struggled to stand up. He unlocked the bathroom door and stumbled into the hallway, leaning heavily against the wall. 

All he could hear was his beating heart thumping in his chest and his breath coming out in quick gasps. He was going to pass out if he didn’t hurry. He made it to the stairs, and got about halfway down before his eyes rolled back and he fell down the stairs the rest of the way.

Oh god he was so cold. Hinata struggled to his knees and dragged himself over to the table where he left his cell phone. He lunged forward and grabbed it before collapsing to the ground. He was struggling to stay awake as he hit the call button on his phone, and it dialed the last person who called him.

“Yo, dumbass, where are you? Don’t tell me you forgot we had practice today?”  
Hinata would’ve sighed if he had enough energy. Of course it had to be him. Of all the people on his phone, it dialed the one person he never wanted to see him like this; so weak and broken. “T-Tobio,” He said quietly, using the name that had only left his lips few times.

“Hinata?” Kageyama sounded considered at Hinata’s broken voice. Sounds of volleyballs hitting the floor and shoes squeaking could be heard in the background. “What’s wrong? Where are you?”

“I’m sorry, I… I need help please,” Hinata sobbed into the phone laying on the floor next to his cheek. “I didn’t mean to, I swear.”

“Hinata, what happened?” Kageyama’s voice growing urgent and louder. The sounds in the gym slowed to a stop in the background. “What did you do?”

“There’s so much blood, and I-I can’t stay awake,” He cried opening into the phone, “Please, Tobio, I-I can’t…” He choked out.

On the other line he heard his teammates asking Kageyama what was wrong. Kageyama shouted at someone to call an ambulance and told someone else to keep Hinata awake, then the sound of shoes running from the phone could be heard. 

“Hinata?” Nishinoya’s hesitant voice came through the speaker. “What happened? Kageyama told coach Ukai to call an ambulance, then ran from the gym. Why do we need to keep you awake? What happened?”

“T-there’s so much blood…” Hinata whispered, not even having the energy to cry anymore. What’s the point? Kageyama won’t be there in time anyways.

“Blood? Hinata, what happened?” Noya shouted into the phone.

“I didn’t mean to, it was an accident… it wasn’t supposed to be that big…” Hinata rambled.

“What did you do?” Noya shouted. “Hinata, answer me!”

It sounded like the phone was taken from Nishinoya and he could hear shouting in the background.

“Hinata, you’re going to be fine, okay?” Suga this time. Somehow, his voice reassured Hinata. “I’m going to put the phone one speaker and I want you to talk to us.”

There was a beep and then Suga said, “Are you still there?”

“Y-yes,” Hinata said. “I’m so tired.”

“You need to stay awake, okay, Hinata?” It sounded like Ashai. “Kageyama will be there soon.”

Hinata watched his towel-wrapped arm, blood slowly pooling around it. He looked paler than usual, almost like he was grey. That was odd.

“Hinata?”

“I’m still… I’m still here,” He said breathlessly. “I’m just going to close my eye for a minute.”

Multiple “No!”’s could be heard, shouted by most of the team.

“Hinata, please, just stay awake!” 

He didn’t even know who was talking anymore, it was too hard to focus. The front door suddenly slammed open, but Hinata didn’t have the strength to turn his head and look to see who it was. 

“Shouyou!” 

Oh. It was Kageyama.

The taller boy ran over to him and dropped to the floor on his knees. He was wearing their practice outfit and was breathing hard. He must have run the whole way here. His dark eyes were wide as they took in the blood, Hinata’s marred wrist and his rapidly paling skin.

“Kageyama!” Someone shouted over the phone. “Are you there?”

He quickley hit the speaker button so he could hear better and tend to Hinata. “Yes, I’m here.”

“How’s Hinata?” The voice practically shouted. Nishinoya. “Is he-” Noya choked on the next word.

“He’s still alive, and I can hear the sirens for the ambulance,” Kageyama said, putting pressure on the towel wrapped arm and staring into Hinata’s glazed over eyes. “I’m going to hang up the phone so I can take care of Hinata, I’ll call you back after the ambulance gets here.”

He didn’t wait for a response, and he turned off the phone. He put his hand on Hinata’s cheek, tilting his head up. “Shouyou? Shouyou! Stay with me!”

“You…” Hinata mumbled.

Kageyama searched Hinata’s face with scared eyes.

“You’ve never called me Shouyou before…” Hinata whispered, the corner of his mouth turned upwards.

Kageyama felt tears stream from his eyes and he felt his chest heave a sob. “You have to stay awake, okay, dumbass? I’ll kill you if you die!”

Hinata’s small smile didn’t leave his face as he looked up at Kageyama, but his eyes started to drift shut.

“Shouyou! Don’t you dare! You idiot!” He cried, gripping Hinata’s face with his blood-stained hands. “You can’t die! I love you!” He shouted, and paramedics burst through the doorway with a gurney, pushing Kageyama out of the way. 

Everything was a blur as Hinata was lifted onto the gurney and wheeled out the door to the ambulance. Kageyama shot up, wiping the back of his hand across his tear-stained face. “Wait! Please, let me come with you!”

A woman paramedic stood in the ambulance, and obviously taking pity on Kageyama stricken face, asked, “What are you to the boy?”

“His- I’m his partner,” Kageyama said.

She bit her lip, “Okay come on and get in, we have to hurry.”

Kageyama jumped into the ambulance and sat down on one of the tiny benches and the vehicle took off. Kageyama stared at Hinata’s blank face, the redhead had given into sleep and the few paramedics in the back with them were rushing to hook Hinata up to a blood bag and an IV line. 

Everything seemed to go into slow motion when they got to the Hospital, he was rushed out of the ambulance and he watched as they ran with Hinata’s gurney shouting out orders to get a surgeon ready. Someone lead Kageyama to a waiting room where they got his name and Hinata’s name and parents out of him. The same lady who let him in the ambulance had him sit down in the back of the waiting area.

“Do you want me to call your parents to take you home?” she asked.

Kageyama shook his head. “No, but may I use the phone to call someone else?”

She nodded sympathetically, and pointed to the phone on the desk at the front of the room. 

“Will you tell me if he is going to be okay?” Kageyama asked, referring to Hinata.

“Of course,” She said, before leaving him to make his phone call. 

He dialed the number for his cell phone, which Suga answered after one ring. “Kageyama?”

“Yeah,” He said, feeling numb.

“Where are you? Is Hinata going to be okay?”

“I-I don’t know… but I’m at the hospital right now…” He said, then looked around the room. “I’m in waiting room C. Are you going to come here?” Kageyama would never admit it, but he didn’t want to be alone.

“Of course,” Suga said. “We’ll be there in a few minutes, okay?”

Kageyama gave him a half hearted reply, then hung up and walked to the back corner of the room to wait.

True to his word, Suga arrived with almost the whole team about fifteen minutes later. Everyone was uncharacteristically quiet, especially Tanaka, who was just staring wide-eyed at the floor.

“Do you know what’s happening?” Noya asked.

“No, but I think they sent him into surgery,” Kageyama said quietly, his elbows resting on his knees as he hunched forward. 

Coach Ukai had went to talk to the man at the desk, probably to ask about Hinata’s parents and give them any information they needed regarding Hinata’s health conditions. Most of the team was sitting near Kageyama. Suga sat on his right and the wall was to his left.

“Your hands,” Tanaka said quietly.

Kageyama looked up at him and then looked down at his hands. They were still covered in Hinata’s blood. 

“Is that Hinata’s…” Suga trailed off.

Kageyama didn’t answer but got up to go wash his hands in the bathroom. As he was leaving he heard someone say, “I’m gonna be sick.”

After he scrubbed his hands and forearms clean multiple times, trying to get the memory of Hinata bleeding out on the floor out of his mind, he went back to the waiting area and sat down.

“What was he like?” Noya asked quietly from the chair across from him. “Did he really…” His voice trailed off. Not Hinata, right? The kid was so happy, he would never do something like this.

“He…” Kageyama started. “His arms were covered in b… blood… there was so much blood…” He couldn’t bring himself to say much more.

“Kageyama, Tobio?”

Looking up, he saw the paramedic women from the ambulance. Kageyama stood and walked over to her. “Is Hinata all right? Can I see him?”

She looked around the waiting room at the volleyball team and lower her voice so only Kageyama could hear her. “I’m technically not allowed to let people other than family or legal guardians in, but since his parents aren’t here, I’ll let you go see him. Just stay quiet, okay?”

Kageyama nodded, his heart pounding in his chest. So he was alive. Thank God.

The woman put her hand on Kageyama’s shoulder and guided him into the hallways of the ICU, toward the back. “He’s a bit out of it right now, since he’s on multiple antibiotics and painkillers, so don’t be too upset if he falls asleep or can’t talk.”

She opened the door and motioned for Kageyama to step in. Once he did and she closed the door behind him, he felt tears build up in his eyes.

Hinata was lying in the slightly reclined hospital bed, his head turned to look out the window. He was connected to multiple IV’s and a heart rate monitor, his cut arms were bandaged and wrapped with white gauze, the one on his left arm bleeding through a bit. He was very pale and there we dark smudges under his eyes. Hinata’s normally bright and spiky orange hair seemed duller almost, and hung limply from his head.

Sensing someone was in the room, Hinata turned to look and Kageyama felt frozen to the spot as amber eyes locked with Kageyama’s dark ones. He had never seen Hinata like this before, the boy always seemed to have a smile on or was laughing and being silly. This Hinata seemed like a completely different one. But maybe he had been like this all along and no one ever saw past the fun-loving persona he put up.

Hinata’s face was very solemn, his lip set in a neutral line, his eyes looking desperate and tired. “Kageyama?” He said quietly.

Kageyama shook himself out of his stupor and walked over to the bed. He set down in the plastic chair next to Hinata and tentatively reached out to take Hinata’s hand in his own. His hand was very cold. “You scared me.” Kageyama practically whispered. 

Hinata looked down at their entwined hands in silence. “I… I’m sorry. I never-” He choked up and Kageyama saw tears dripping onto the blanket. “I never wanted you to see me like this.” Hinata squeezed his eyes shut and tilted his head away so Kageyama couldn’t see his face. 

“Shouyou…”

Hinata immediately looked back at Kageyama, his eyes wide and cheeks tear-stained. 

Kageyama continued. “Why… why did you do this?”

Hinata bit his lip and looked down at his wrapped wrists. “I wasn’t trying to - to kill myself.”

“Why did you cut yourself? How long has this been going on for?” Kageyama could hear the desperation in his voice, it was killing him knowing that he somehow missed that Hinata was this upset and was dealing with it on his own. How did he miss it?

Quietly, Hinata answered, “I do it to feel like I have control over myself. I love being happy but… I have depression. I’ve always had it and I hate it. So I’ll be happy for as long as I can and bottle up the pain, and then… this is how I release it.”

“How long?”

“Three or four years now.”

Kageyama stood up quickly, startling Hinata. He started to ask what was wrong when suddenly Kageyama’s arm were wrapped around him in a tight embrace. Hinata tensed up, but then raised his arms to wrap them around Kageyama’s torso.

Hinata could feel Kageyama crying into his neck, but he didn’t know how to comfort him.

“Please… Shouyou, please don’t do this again. I thought you were going to die, it was so scary,” Kageyama said.

Hinata’s eyes were wide. This was so unlike Kageyama. “I - I promise…” Hinata remember just an hour ago, laying on the floor and listening to Kageyama’s muffled voice, “You can’t die! I love you!”

Hinata gripped Kageyama’s shirt and hid his face against him. “Tobio,” Hinata whispered. “I love you too.”

Kageyama tensed up, his fingers tightening their grip on Hinata’s shirt.

Then the nurse came back in. She cleared her throat, “I’m sorry, Kageyama, but Hinata’s parents are here, and you’ll have to leave the room.”

Kageyama pulled away from Hinata and nodded, but Hinata grabbed onto his arm. He looked back, but saw Hinata staring down at his bedsheets. “S-sorry.” He let go, and Kageyama left the room with a small goodbye.

He walked past Hinata’s parents and little sister, who were too panicked to notice Kageyama felt bad he couldn’t be in there with Hinata to face this together. He lifted a hand and gripped his shirt over his heart. His heart was pounding in his chest. “Tobio… I love you too.”

Did Hinata really say that? Did he imagine it?

X

Hinata didn’t come back to school for a while.

Kageyama and the rest of the team kept going to practice, though it seemed a little more tense and a little less fun without Hinata. It was like missing the sunlight for too long and craving it to return. 

More than once Daichi and Suga had tried to get Kageyama to go visit Hinata at his house, but Kageyama felt like it would be intruding. So he waited. And waited. 

The only update they got was from Takeda-sensei, one week after the Hinata was at the hospital. Takeda had been in contact with Hinata’s parents and he told the team Hinata had gotten sick and would be staying home longer than expected. 

The good news was that Hinata would be able to visit them after school the next monday during volleyball practice, though he wouldn’t be able to play. After Monday, he would go get his stitches his taken out and then he could come back to school.

Lots of the boys cheered at hearing they would be able to see Hinata, but Kageyama felt his stomach flutter with nervousness. Would Hinata be different? Would their friendship be different because of what they admitted to each other? But no… Kageyama was sure everything would be okay. He’s liked Hinata for months, and now know that Hinata felt the same made everything better.

A hand landed on his shoulder and he looked up from the floor to see Suga smiling at him. “It will be fine, okay?”

If anyone had known about his crush, it would be Suga. 

Kageyama nodded in agreement.

X

The weekend went by slowly. Very slowly. Kageyama tried to distract himself from worrying by practicing his tossed out back of his house, but he couldn’t keep his mind off of Hinata. He had been so pale and and tired looking in the hospital, and his eyes had been so… lost.

Kageyama tossed the volleyball he was holding into the air above his head and caught it again. It was scary seeing Hinata like that. Would he still be like that when they see him Monday? Questions like this seemed to rolled around in Kageyama’s head the whole weekend and most of Monday until school was finally over and he was in the gym with the rest of the team.

They played a few short three on three games together for about and hour and a half. Nobody was talking much and everyone kept glancing at the door, waiting to see Hinata’s bright orange hair. 

Kageyama was just about to receive a serve when he glance at the door and saw Hinata watching the game from just outside. He was hit in the chest with the ball and landed on his rear.  
“You okay, Kageyama?” Daichi called from the other side of the court. Tanaka held out a hand to help Kageyama up, which he accepted without taking his eyes off of Hinata, who was looking right back at him, but staying outside.

“Shouyou,” Kageyama said quietly.

“What?” 

Kageyama ran over to the door and grabbed Hinata in in a hug, pushing the smaller boy back one step on accident. 

“Hey Hinata!” The rest of the team started shouting out greetings and walked over to them and Kageyama quickly let go of Hinata, his face turning red. Hinata look a lot better than when he had been in the hospital. He has gotten most of his color back, his hair was bright and messy as always and his eyes were alive again. He still looked tired though, with dark shadows under his eyes, but he was grinning anyways. Kageyama noticed he was wearing a green hoodie even though it was hot out. 

Nishinoya swung an arm around Hinata’s shoulders and leaned against him with a grin. “Good to see you again.”

“Hi guys,” Hinata grinned sheepishly. 

“When can you play volleyball again?” Suga asked. They all already knew the answer but they didn’t know what else to say.

“After I get my st -stitches out, because I could accidently pop them doing receives or spikes.” He said, looking down, ashamed.

Daichi just grinned and put a hand on Hinata’s head, “You can probably just throw a ball to Kageyama so he can toss to us. We haven’t practiced spiking yet today.”

Kageyama’s chest felt like it was going to explode when he saw Hinata’s face light up at the suggestion.

“Yeah, I can do that!” Hinata nodded excitedly.

Daichi called for everyone to get in a line while Kageyama stood at the net and Hinata stood to the side of the court. He had rolled his sleeves up and he picked up a ball. He looked up and saw Kageyama watching him.

Hinata threw the ball above Kageyama’s head, where he tossed it up to the left and the first person in line ran forward and spiked it.

Practice went on. The did the spikes for a while, then switched to a different exercise. Hinata sat on the floor with his back against the wall and Kageyama walked over and sat down next to him. They didn’t say anything at first until Kageyama said, “Can I see?”

Hinata stared at him for a second, then uncrossed his arms, his sleeves still rolled up, and held them out. His right arm was covered in small white lines - how had he never noticed them before? - and a dozen or so red scabed scars. His right arm had a long jagged cut going vertically up his arm. It was ugly, scabbed over with the black stitching and purpling on the outsides. 

“It’s gross, I know,” Hinata said with a sigh, crossing his arms again.

“Do you regret doing it?” 

Hinata was quiet as he watched the others. “No.”

Kageyama did a double take, “What - wait why?”

“Because now I know not to do it, and I won’t make the mistake again.”

They were both quiet then, until Kageyama said, “Good.”

X

The next week Hinata came back to school, his stitches gone and allowed to play volleyball again. Kageyama walked into the gym to see Hinata there already in his gym clothes, holding a volleyball.

“Toss to me!” He grinned, holding out the volleyball.

Kageyama walked over and took the ball from him, glancing at the scar. It was mostly healed over and was a purple discolored color. He threw the volleyball into the air and got in position for a toss.

The ball made contact with his fingers and in the next moment Hinata was spiking it onto the other side of the net.

“That’s felt great!” Hinata exclaimed. Kageyama turned to look at him and smiled softly. 

Kageyama stepped towards Hinata and took his forearms, running his thumbs over the scars. Hinata gave him an odd look and that's when Kageyama leaned forward and kissed him.

Hinata froze for a moment, then closed his eyes and kisses Kageyama back.

“Get a room!” Someone shouted, followed by multiple wolf whistles. 

They sprung apart, their faces bright red. Most of the team was standing in the doorway now, grinned and making hearts with their hands.

As their practice began, Kageyama kept looking back over at Hinata, seeing him talking with Suga at one point, Tanaka hugging him so tight he was lifted off the floor, and when Nishinoya asked, Hinata showed him the scar.

Maybe things would work out well in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> For now this is a one shot unless I get requests or suggestions on how to continue it!


End file.
